Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
Sitting at a red light. Windows are down. I'm blasting Gaga's "Disco Stick" and doing an interpretive dance to it because I think I'm hilarious. Look to the left and see two Phi Delts that I know with their windows down. They are horrified. I am probably going to lose their Facebook friendships.
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
Definitely broke my toe and messed up my knee walking back. Drink hitch hiking should never happen again.
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
Randomize
