I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
I stayed up for an hour trying to make my room stop spinning and then I realized it was bc my fan was on
Um, I don't really remember much about the event... and then I woke up on the metro..
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
I think I'm actually too depressed to do drugs, wow.
Do you have feelings for this penis?
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
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