You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
well when do great stories at the expense of people's relationships become a bad thing?
He still hasn't made a move, so I slept with his brother last weekend. Maybe sibling rivalry will motivate........
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
Randomize
