I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
Randomize
