Good. You are like the clit whisperer.
last night i got mauled by 2 gay men who were trying to make each other jealous by making the other think they could swing back- you're going to love atl
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
Randomize
