my friend just told me "I dunno what u r doing but keep doing it cuz it makes u look fabulous"
LOL that's cool. Guess u r gonna have to keep doing me
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
Randomize
