I wish I could teleport
a/c is broke at work...just took my panties off at my desk and the janitor saw it...might have a date for later. let you know
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
You guys were grinding to YMCA. I knew you were going to hook up with him.
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
i hooked up with all four beatles on halloween get on my level
Randomize