4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
Would it be cruel if i sold xanax instead of adderall to freshman unfamiliar to the drug-taking profession?
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
I think the worst was the guy who sent me YouTube videos about how age doesn't matter, and then a link for natural breast enhancements. Kill me.
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
Randomize
