last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
I went to the bar saying i wasn't going to drink that much. I forgot sobriety might as well be some mythical creature when you're with Holleey
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You made out with two different species that night
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
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