these burps are starting to have way more vomit in them,
Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
i really wish james franco would like my vagina
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
I may or may not be negotiating a deal of baked goods for socks...keep you posted
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
