my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
So my boyfriend is on his way over and there is no time to wash the sheets from when I had his roommate over earlier. Put them in the dryer with a damp bounce sheet. Win?
This is a whole new level of slut for you....do they smell ok?
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
She puked her nose ring out of her face.
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
Randomize
