I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
He's like all my past boyfriends wrapped up into one fuck up. It's enjoyable to watch.
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
The kid with the ed hardy shirt put a bunch of random shit in the washer and turned it on. example: a hanger, the movie Chocolate with Johnny Depp, and your mom's cat
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
Randomize
