OMg patrick swayze is the sexuest man he is killing me I'm gonna get dehydrated if I don't stop looking at him
Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
.......The other day I peed on him in the shower....he was trying to touch my boobs and I wanted my space.
Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
Randomize
