Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
I also referred to her clitorous as her "vagina dot" last night...probably going to be dumped soon.
Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
Really though. It's your life, live it how you want
And I do mostly. Which is why I'm now drunk in my room writing erotica
You've changed since you got that strap on
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
Randomize
