Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
I had a dream last night where you were a transsexual in a low cut blue dress with lovely long brown hair. You were very pretty. I hope you are well.
my hot student got the clitoris wrong on the lab practical...so it kinda makes me not want to pursue it
just because he can't find it on a cat, doesn't mean he can't find it on you
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
I found out he hated a girl that I hate so I fucked him. My reasons for fucking guys are getting bad.
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
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