Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
I had fun this weekend too. According to Web MD, my symptoms say I had a miscarriage.
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
Wow you are like a taller more attractive sex Yoda.
Randomize
