I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's not even a normal fucking affair I've found myself in. It's a fucking bdsm clusterfuck.
where are my eyebrows?
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
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