You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
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My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
Thanks for having me and my emotional baggage over last night.
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
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If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
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