Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
i should not be allowed to orgasm that much in one day.
He's still filling me in on the details. mid-table dance i asked to go water skiing?
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
Randomize
