sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
Bad idea pregaming graduation.... she just threw up before walking across the stage... i'm gonna miss this
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
If anyone ask I'm rushing for brotherhood, not so that this bartender will suck my dick
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
fuck it. im taking monday off to do some Jagering.
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
Talked to the dude for a hour . I now know where he lives, his occupation, his goals, his dreams and what his dick looks like.
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
Randomize
