So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
im sorry but my first introduction to your dick isn't going to be a pic sent from the men's room
They nicknamed me the gargoyle. Sex with me is getting gargoyled. The last one I fucked yelled "gargoyle me" for dirty talk. I think fucking me is part of their pledging initiation. Somewhat OK with this.
booty call hours are between 1:30-3:00 AM thurs-sat with the exception of major drinking holidays and election days. please try again
One of the annoying girls in my 7 AM class showed up drunk for her 21st birthday and just auctioned off her fake ID.
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
Just checked in with my friend who walked in on us. He thinks you two had a spiritual connection and he's bugging out
He was also rolling face on molly so his perception of divinity might be slightly off
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
Randomize
