There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
Where can I buy a trophy for a Groupie Award?
She had sex with a merch guy. . . band guys make you groupies, Merch guys just means she's easy.
He made me a mix cd. There is obviously something wrong with him.
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
Dont worry about getting me anything... Just put a bow on your ass.
Deal.
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
Not sure but if it exists I will find it and I will fill my face with it
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
you made the house rule that every time you'd say "yay" everyone had to drink.
that explains so much
Just come here quick. I'm home in 3min. It will take you literally less than 5 to walk. Then 2 to undress, 16 to fuck, 2 to dress again and 5 to walk back..!!
exactly 16 eh??
Randomize
