I smell stomach acid.
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
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Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
She is just sitting by the bathroom like a little puppy waiting for a knight in shining armor to take her in there to fuck her. New low?
IM DRINK YORE HIFH WE ARE POSTERCHOLD OF AMERICA
Just got flashed by an entire bus of girls in school uniforms. We then had to wait beside each other at a light. It was awkward.
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I didn't know. I guess I really haven't had that much time for drinking lately. I mean, outside drinking at home/work.
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
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