just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
I don't know, I think it's at least a minor achievement when you can light up with the guy who took your virginity and act like you didn't have and incredibly awkward sexual experience together
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
How long until you're healed?
Physically? A week or so. Emotionally? The scars of dislocating my knee at a frat and flashing my panties to the whole crowd wi never heal.
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
Randomize
