is it true you fucked a yoga instructor last night??! ..and let me know if you want me to post that question on your facebook so kelly can see how happy you are without her
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
I got in an argument over whether or not I'm a slut. I argued yes.
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
Randomize
