I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
Just masturbating and watching Sports Center...is this what it's like to be a guy?!
either he just commented on my nose ring or he's offering me cocaine, I honestly can't tell
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
You laid on the floor and pet their rug. and then demanded Voss water.
Randomize
