this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
Well, he hasn't actually seen me naked. Just my boobs... and the left side of my vagina.
Well my parents know I get medical Cannabis they saw me on the news at the dispensary
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
There were 16 girls and 31 titties. That’s how the club was. Lance doesn’t get to decide ever again.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
