she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
sarcasm needs its own font
I haven't even gone in yet. I'm sitting in the waiting room playing a game i like to call "Who else is here for AA".
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
Im cutting you off tonight ONE boy at a time
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
Just to clear things up, yes you did lick the strippers butt
Randomize
