i effin hate jeff goldbloom.
but i totally would still bang him
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
I never thought I would be having sex behind a shower curtain that wasn't in a bathroom.
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
she fell THROUGH the wall. All in all id have to say that my neighbors where pretty chill about it tho.
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
Randomize
