so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
I learned nothing from that class except drinking and chemistry go together great.
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
I'm not entirely sure what we did is legal in the U.S., but I know that couple wont be the same
Also. I plan to spend time with you at boomers, high, teaching ourselves how to pee standing up.
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
