According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
But today feels so special with katie getting herpes and me cleaning my room. Good things are happening.
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
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