I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
What is soo wrong about a house of half-naked people hugging each other and laughing?
The pinata full of drugs?
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
Randomize
