if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
you grabbed his arm with one hand and the bottle of smirnoff with the other and headed off to your room you were on a mission
We role played last night. I was Brandon Inge and she was some slut from Toledo. Let's just say Triple A might not be so disappointing after all.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
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