im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
I had to remind him that there is no "age exchange rate" between the u.s. and spain, and that 16 will always equal 16
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
so i went to the bathroom and my thong was on sideways... i guess that solves the mystery
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
Randomize
