Those kids are glorified dude-bros. It's banal.
somehow writing 'not a skank' on yur boobs doesn't really make you look less skanky...
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
Randomize
