im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
Like many of my risky ideas this has "burned genitals" written all over it
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
First sex of the summer I'm winning 1-0
GET HOME NOW
Oh shit
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
Randomize
