I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
There's been so much talk around your vagina it's like a local celebrity
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
if i can get a chik with a dibaetes pump naked a sling certainly isnt going to get in my way
Its like "fucckkkkk yooouuuuuu" is echoing up my esophagus
tequila?
yep
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
Randomize
