dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
Randomize
