12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
Hippo gnu deer
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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