So there are ramen noodles in the shower you need to explain...
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
Just quiet vomiting, and in between heaves she mumbled "be the pro"
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
Randomize
