So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?
He yelled IN THE FACE!! while cumming on my face.
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
i think my cat just said my name.
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
Randomize
