Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
I may be Daddy's little princess, but doesn't mean I can't be the blowjob queen.
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
Randomize
