just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
did you know delaware is a STATE? HOLY CRAP! i didn't till i was hitting on this chick and asked her when she said she was from delaware, which state that was in. crazyness
Because ur a stupid bitch
Actually, I'm graduating from college on Saturday so that makes me a well educated bitch.
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
I blacked out after running into my soc TA in the beer garden. came to dancing on the speakers at major lazer and making out with said TA.
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
Are you considering all the consequences of doing your boss or are you just rationalizing with your vagina?
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
Randomize
