She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
I had to ask him for the scissors while I was in the shower. My hood piercing was stuck in my loofah.
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
I no longer see him as a simple set of male genitalia attached to a very sexy body. The title "trophy fuck" seems wrong. Damn.
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
So, I'm tripsitting Ruben cause he's on LSD, and he's starting to eat the chair because 'it is evil' according to him... I can't choose: should I stop him or film it?
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
Randomize
