Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
I wanna be on tlc
Impossible. You are neither fat, fertile or fashionless.
i dont know why he would complain when i touch him there.
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
Randomize
