I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
update: last drink of the night and im naked in my porch hammock. life is good.
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
That place is a DUI and an STD waiting to happen. I think I'll pass.
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
Haha we both slept with guys named Brad born on may 1st. This is a proud day for sisters.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
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