Ok walking to car, 3 gay guys park get out of car, one on phone says 'I dont know but I was definately getting some curb rubbing'
I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
Also I may have a condom stuck inside me, but I won`t know til I check the couch coushions.
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
5 am booty call.. And I went I need to gain better control of my vagina
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
I'm 25 and I shit my bed last night. And I'm telling you about it. Not sure which is worse
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
Hmm should I take my nipple rings out before my sisters wedding/family vacation in Puerto Rico where I will be with my mother 24hrs a day for four days wearing a bathing suit seemingly the entire time? Or should I just risk it and not hug anyone.
Risk it. Keep the titties tough.
Randomize
