Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
It was a book called Gay Safari.
I'm so happy for you now that you have found your perfect porn novel.
There is this threesome scene that is literally 10 minutes of straight fucking
Omg so it's educational?
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
Randomize
