i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
I just don't know what he sees in my vagina...and that scares me.
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
You partied and then got cock slapped, Don't tell me you didn't have fun
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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