1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
Cock is NEVER random. You may quote me on that.
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
Randomize
