So I'm pretty sure when I was giving a Birthday Blow J, he went to grab my boob, but grabbed a fat roll and asked "You're not wearing a bra?"
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
Welll when you have a beer at 8:30 am you've already decided whaat kind of Sunday it ism
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
bad decision saturdays are such a good decision
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
Nothing will stop me from making the title of my paper "The Great Political Cock Block." Absolutely nothing.
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
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