If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
Can vaginas get frostbite?
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
We had sex on a dog bed..
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
