I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
Its only fair we share our golden vaginas with the world. It would be selfish if we didn't.
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
I think my hopes are too high for this one. The only other bachelorette party I've been to I was felt up by a Chippendale's dancer and smoked a joint with the party bus driver.
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
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