I can't believe he cheated
Whatever. Anytime she has an orgasm, it's because I taught him how
my mother and i just seriously had a convorsation about why you cant Google "Refurbished Dildos"
God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
People were drinking out of 26ers with straws, and somewhere someone yelled "fill me with dicks!" I'm home.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
Is it completely inappropriate to base my morning after pill purchase on if they sell coffee or not?
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
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