You're earring is so big in my mouth
I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
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In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
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