fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
nothing this campus sells is worth it. not even sex.
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
I think he fucked my hip out of place.
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
Randomize
