Is it normal to miss your booty call?
One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
I don't get why Lindsay Lohan doesn't just blame her bad behavior on her twin sister from the Parent Trap. I mean nobodys seen her since.
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
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