I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
Omg it was awesome. At one point she says "cum in me, I'm too old to get pregnant".
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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